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Over the years of my adulthood there have been days when I have wondered why I am still single. It seems like some of the most dysfunctional people I know are married and, seemingly, happy. They have come from backgrounds that never taught them how be in healthy relationships. Yet, every day they manage to do it. They stepped out there and did it, for better or for worse.

If I could sit down with them I would ask what makes them stay together. In this world where everyone is looking for instant gratification, I wonder what makes them continually put forth the effort. However, I don't have the time to dwell on such questions. There are too many other things that require my attention.

I know the practical reasons that I am still single. Yet, it has only been in recent years that I have begun to look at the emotional ones. I would love to have the comfort of someone in my life that I can share things with. It is difficult always carrying loads alone. The desire to have the support of someone else almost led me to marry someone who I did not truly love. I was tempted by his willingness to come in and care for me. He had dreams and goals that he was willing to include me in. Better still, he was willing to help me make my dreams reality. The relief of that was almost enough for me to sacrifice several aspects of my overall happiness. It was enough for me to begin to negotiate the sell of certain pieces of my dream. However, I realized that at the first test of my commitment to the relationship, I would fail. I would have chosen to have my way, regardless of whatever pain I might have caused him. So rather than set him up for such hurt, I decided that it was best to walk away.

Realistically, if I were that type of woman, I would make a wonderful mistress. I am emotionally unavailable. To that end, I am not jealous or possessive. I am pretty nonchalant and even dismissive. I am not willing to argue because I don't have that much concern for the men who have come in and out of my life. I have only had concern for two of them. One, I have felt married to for years. The other, did not want to become entangled in the wreckage of my feelings for the first. As a result, I have shut myself off. I don't want to let anyone else in. The problem is that I have a conscience and it will not allow me to mislead any man about my intentions. It will not allow me to marry a man that I cannot love. It will not allow me to commit to anything that I am not willing to give my heart to.

I know it's all a trade. However, I believe in my soul that human beings can have it all. I know it's not easy but it's not impossible. I have watched a lot of people settle. Rather than go after what they truly wanted in life they accepted what they felt their low expectations allowed them to think was enough. I can't say whether they have any deep regrets. The fact remains that they have chosen to take on this thing called life with somebody. Come hell or high water they decided that they were gonna ride it til the wheels fall off. I have to admire that.

Love Changes-A beginning

If not for my love he would have been a different person. He would now be a man. Able to stand alone in a harsh world. A father to the children he never got the chance to know. He might actually have found a wonderful wife, someone who worshipped him and hung on his every word.

Instead, he has me. I am the difficult, wayward patch of earth that never seem to grow anything but weeds. I am that one strand of hair that refuses to lay down no matter how much grease or water or hair gel you use. I am that thing of regret and remorse.

It was not always so. Once, when love meant something tangible, I was the light in his life. I was his muse and his sunshine. I would have given anything just to be near him and he gave everything to be near me. In retrospect, I should have seen it would not last.

Over Easy.

Cooking eggs always makes me think of him. Not in a lovey-dovey kind of way, but in a critical, "I dodged a bullet" kind of way.

He was not a bad man. On many levels he was pretty close to the "right" man. I had talked myself into believing that there was a chemistry and synchronicity between us that did not truly exist. I was, at the time, so desperate to have the dream. I was willing to lie to myself just to obtain the things that I thought I was missing, the husband, the family, a globetrotting lifestyle.

I wonder how people stay in relationships just for material gain or appearances. I wonder how they live in these loveless interactions day in and day out. Life without passion for the person that they have chosen to spend eternity with.

Look, I know that every single day in a relationship is not going to be bliss. I'm just saying that shouldn't some of them be? Perhaps, the majority? Just seems logical to me that if I have to live with a person for the rest of my natural life I should love them enough to want to work it out. I shouldn't think about bolting every time we disagree. I certainly shouldn't have to lay next to them thinking they are the biggest mistake I ever made.

With him, I could have easily gotten those things in life that everyone seems to treasure. Yet, every day I would have felt empty because he was not who I would have chosen for me. Nonetheless, cooking eggs always makes me think about him.

What Is Erotic? (conceived 11/18/2004)

Is it when you place your hands upon my face
Hold me close to yourself
Gently encircle my lips with your own
Is it when you let your hand trace
My silhouette down to the hip
Then we move as one
Is it when you grasp me
As if I were gonna get away
All while the heat in me is seeping out in gasps
Is it when you are placing soft kisses on my neck
Soft, impassioned licks upon my earlobes
Stroking a gentle fire that threatens to burn full blaze
Is it when you lean into me
Applying a little more pressure
Just by the near proximity of you
Is it when you slightly raise my skirt
Let your hands trace my outer thigh
Knowing I am to weak to stand you lay me down
Is it when I realize my skirt is gone
Fallen to the floor in a puff of haste
And I am thinking that I want all the rest gone too
Is it when I feel your hands beneath my shirt
Seeking to further arouse the heat in me
To force me to betray all reason
Is it when my nipples stand erect at your touch
Under your command they disobey me
Aching for your lips to christen them
Is it when your fingers dancing
Create such sweet agony in me
This game of touch and go
Is it when you graze my stomach
And a shutter runs through me
Uncontrolled from head to toe
Is it when I feel the warmth of you
Sliding between my thighs
I tilt up just a bit to be closer
Is it when my hands reach for you
Trace the line of your arched back
Linger there long enough to feel you shiver
Is it when my lips trail
The strength of your chest
You let out a soft moan
Is it when the moan echoes
Through me leaving me breathless
Reverberating in the inner sanctum of my soul
Is it when my body undulates
Sharply beneath your own
Crying out for all that you offer
Is it when I feel your tautness
Standing apparent to me
I can think of nothing except the fullness of you
Is it when you embrace my center
The world begins to spin against itself
I lose track of all time space and reason
Is it when your kiss whispers against my body
Threatening to start a quake
Only squelched by our joining yin and yang
Is it when finally you release us
We are sent reeling and gasping for breath
Trembling from the aftershocks
Is it when you gaze into my eyes
Desire still swimming in those large brown pools
You kiss my lips again
Or is it simply when you ease to my side
Drape your arm around my glistening frame
And we both lay dreaming of each other

Off the Cuff (First Published March 21, 2009)

Off the cuff
I am writing this poem
That I hope will be enough
Enough to say thank you
Enough to say I love you
Enough to say I need you

Off the fly
I am writing this poem
That hopefully will symbolize how I
Can't see my life without you
Can't feel close enough to you
Can't catch my breath at sight of you

Extemporaneously
I am writing this poem
That I hope you will see
As my ode to the love of you
As my tribute to the God in you
As my last hoorah to win the heart of you

Improvising
I am writing this poem
That I know won't be surprising
About all the things I've said to you
About all the things I know of you
About all the things I'd be to you

Unrehearsed
I am writing this poem
That is more than frivolous verse
Saying that life is dull without you
Saying that love means nothing without you
Saying that lost is what I am without you

Ad-libbing
I am writing this poem
That I reckon is conveying that I am digging
Every little thing about you
Every movement made around you
Every thought I ever had about you

Off the cuff
I am writing this poem
That I hope is enough
To show you everything I see
To give you some small key
To the joy in life of loving me

Damn
If I could say no to you
I mean I don't really think
I want to fall into your bed
But I know that I do
The most primal part of me
Craves every single moment
I spend underneath you
Or on top
Or wherever
The most saturated part of me
Desires every opportunity
You can spend wringing out
The excess
The relief
Damn
If I could say no to you
I mean I don't really think
I want you to delve deeper into my soul
But I know that I do
The most cerebral part of me
Requests that you come in
Walk around all the rooms of my mansion
The grounds of my estate
The places of my garden
The most spiritual part of me
Asks for you to dissect me
Discover all my inner compartments
My secrets
My passions
Damn
If I could say no to you
I mean I don't really think
I want you to upset my world with a touch
But I know that I do

Like This (conceived 4/12/02)

I like jeans,
Coarse hair,
And rough things.

I like starched linen,
The color blue,
A lovely hue.

I like cool shade,
Gentle breeze,
Strawberry lemonade.

I like clear skies,
Calm water,
Pleasant, tranquil order.

I like sunsets,
Bright colored roses,
Life, no regrets.

I like old movies,
Soft melodies,
Heart felt symphonies.

I like quiet nights,
Full, whimsical moons,
Stars, emphatically bright.

I like broad shoulders,
A tender caress,
Eyes of gentleness.

I like romance,
Corny poetry,
Long, slow dance.

I like whispers,
Grazing fingertips,
Full, tender lips.

I like loving eye
Deep voice,
Runner's thighs.

I like books
About Biology,
You and me.

I like cool sheets,
Warm days of summer,
Nights of heat.

I like curled toes,
Joyful moans,
That feeling of home.

So, I would be remiss
If I didn't tell you
I like loving you like this.