Over the years of my adulthood there have been days when I have wondered why I am still single. It seems like some of the most dysfunctional people I know are married and, seemingly, happy. They have come from backgrounds that never taught them how be in healthy relationships. Yet, every day they manage to do it. They stepped out there and did it, for better or for worse.
If I could sit down with them I would ask what makes them stay together. In this world where everyone is looking for instant gratification, I wonder what makes them continually put forth the effort. However, I don't have the time to dwell on such questions. There are too many other things that require my attention.
I know the practical reasons that I am still single. Yet, it has only been in recent years that I have begun to look at the emotional ones. I would love to have the comfort of someone in my life that I can share things with. It is difficult always carrying loads alone. The desire to have the support of someone else almost led me to marry someone who I did not truly love. I was tempted by his willingness to come in and care for me. He had dreams and goals that he was willing to include me in. Better still, he was willing to help me make my dreams reality. The relief of that was almost enough for me to sacrifice several aspects of my overall happiness. It was enough for me to begin to negotiate the sell of certain pieces of my dream. However, I realized that at the first test of my commitment to the relationship, I would fail. I would have chosen to have my way, regardless of whatever pain I might have caused him. So rather than set him up for such hurt, I decided that it was best to walk away.
Realistically, if I were that type of woman, I would make a wonderful mistress. I am emotionally unavailable. To that end, I am not jealous or possessive. I am pretty nonchalant and even dismissive. I am not willing to argue because I don't have that much concern for the men who have come in and out of my life. I have only had concern for two of them. One, I have felt married to for years. The other, did not want to become entangled in the wreckage of my feelings for the first. As a result, I have shut myself off. I don't want to let anyone else in. The problem is that I have a conscience and it will not allow me to mislead any man about my intentions. It will not allow me to marry a man that I cannot love. It will not allow me to commit to anything that I am not willing to give my heart to.
I know it's all a trade. However, I believe in my soul that human beings can have it all. I know it's not easy but it's not impossible. I have watched a lot of people settle. Rather than go after what they truly wanted in life they accepted what they felt their low expectations allowed them to think was enough. I can't say whether they have any deep regrets. The fact remains that they have chosen to take on this thing called life with somebody. Come hell or high water they decided that they were gonna ride it til the wheels fall off. I have to admire that.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Love Changes-A beginning
If not for my love he would have been a different person. He would now be a man. Able to stand alone in a harsh world. A father to the children he never got the chance to know. He might actually have found a wonderful wife, someone who worshipped him and hung on his every word.
Instead, he has me. I am the difficult, wayward patch of earth that never seem to grow anything but weeds. I am that one strand of hair that refuses to lay down no matter how much grease or water or hair gel you use. I am that thing of regret and remorse.
It was not always so. Once, when love meant something tangible, I was the light in his life. I was his muse and his sunshine. I would have given anything just to be near him and he gave everything to be near me. In retrospect, I should have seen it would not last.
Instead, he has me. I am the difficult, wayward patch of earth that never seem to grow anything but weeds. I am that one strand of hair that refuses to lay down no matter how much grease or water or hair gel you use. I am that thing of regret and remorse.
It was not always so. Once, when love meant something tangible, I was the light in his life. I was his muse and his sunshine. I would have given anything just to be near him and he gave everything to be near me. In retrospect, I should have seen it would not last.
Over Easy.
Cooking eggs always makes me think of him. Not in a lovey-dovey kind of way, but in a critical, "I dodged a bullet" kind of way.
He was not a bad man. On many levels he was pretty close to the "right" man. I had talked myself into believing that there was a chemistry and synchronicity between us that did not truly exist. I was, at the time, so desperate to have the dream. I was willing to lie to myself just to obtain the things that I thought I was missing, the husband, the family, a globetrotting lifestyle.
I wonder how people stay in relationships just for material gain or appearances. I wonder how they live in these loveless interactions day in and day out. Life without passion for the person that they have chosen to spend eternity with.
Look, I know that every single day in a relationship is not going to be bliss. I'm just saying that shouldn't some of them be? Perhaps, the majority? Just seems logical to me that if I have to live with a person for the rest of my natural life I should love them enough to want to work it out. I shouldn't think about bolting every time we disagree. I certainly shouldn't have to lay next to them thinking they are the biggest mistake I ever made.
With him, I could have easily gotten those things in life that everyone seems to treasure. Yet, every day I would have felt empty because he was not who I would have chosen for me. Nonetheless, cooking eggs always makes me think about him.
He was not a bad man. On many levels he was pretty close to the "right" man. I had talked myself into believing that there was a chemistry and synchronicity between us that did not truly exist. I was, at the time, so desperate to have the dream. I was willing to lie to myself just to obtain the things that I thought I was missing, the husband, the family, a globetrotting lifestyle.
I wonder how people stay in relationships just for material gain or appearances. I wonder how they live in these loveless interactions day in and day out. Life without passion for the person that they have chosen to spend eternity with.
Look, I know that every single day in a relationship is not going to be bliss. I'm just saying that shouldn't some of them be? Perhaps, the majority? Just seems logical to me that if I have to live with a person for the rest of my natural life I should love them enough to want to work it out. I shouldn't think about bolting every time we disagree. I certainly shouldn't have to lay next to them thinking they are the biggest mistake I ever made.
With him, I could have easily gotten those things in life that everyone seems to treasure. Yet, every day I would have felt empty because he was not who I would have chosen for me. Nonetheless, cooking eggs always makes me think about him.
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