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Over the years of my adulthood there have been days when I have wondered why I am still single. It seems like some of the most dysfunctional people I know are married and, seemingly, happy. They have come from backgrounds that never taught them how be in healthy relationships. Yet, every day they manage to do it. They stepped out there and did it, for better or for worse.

If I could sit down with them I would ask what makes them stay together. In this world where everyone is looking for instant gratification, I wonder what makes them continually put forth the effort. However, I don't have the time to dwell on such questions. There are too many other things that require my attention.

I know the practical reasons that I am still single. Yet, it has only been in recent years that I have begun to look at the emotional ones. I would love to have the comfort of someone in my life that I can share things with. It is difficult always carrying loads alone. The desire to have the support of someone else almost led me to marry someone who I did not truly love. I was tempted by his willingness to come in and care for me. He had dreams and goals that he was willing to include me in. Better still, he was willing to help me make my dreams reality. The relief of that was almost enough for me to sacrifice several aspects of my overall happiness. It was enough for me to begin to negotiate the sell of certain pieces of my dream. However, I realized that at the first test of my commitment to the relationship, I would fail. I would have chosen to have my way, regardless of whatever pain I might have caused him. So rather than set him up for such hurt, I decided that it was best to walk away.

Realistically, if I were that type of woman, I would make a wonderful mistress. I am emotionally unavailable. To that end, I am not jealous or possessive. I am pretty nonchalant and even dismissive. I am not willing to argue because I don't have that much concern for the men who have come in and out of my life. I have only had concern for two of them. One, I have felt married to for years. The other, did not want to become entangled in the wreckage of my feelings for the first. As a result, I have shut myself off. I don't want to let anyone else in. The problem is that I have a conscience and it will not allow me to mislead any man about my intentions. It will not allow me to marry a man that I cannot love. It will not allow me to commit to anything that I am not willing to give my heart to.

I know it's all a trade. However, I believe in my soul that human beings can have it all. I know it's not easy but it's not impossible. I have watched a lot of people settle. Rather than go after what they truly wanted in life they accepted what they felt their low expectations allowed them to think was enough. I can't say whether they have any deep regrets. The fact remains that they have chosen to take on this thing called life with somebody. Come hell or high water they decided that they were gonna ride it til the wheels fall off. I have to admire that.